Things Are Rotten in the State of Denmark
It’s finally payback time for nasty nations that have dealt unfairly with America!
EXECUTIVE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT
MY RESPONSE TO DENMARK’S REFUSAL TO ACKNOWLEDGE U.S. SOVEREIGNTY OVER GREENLAND’S TERRITORY AND MINERALS
By the authority vested in me by the Constitution of the United States and by me, I hereby order:
Section 1. Purpose. It is a primary duty of the Government to protect the United States from all enemies, foreign and domestic, to include the Dominion of Canada. This requires both an expanded and permanent U.S. military and other presence throughout the territory of Greenland, as well as unrestricted free access to that territory’s mineral resources, to include rare earth and other elements necessary to the national defense and to the profit of those who have demonstrated to me their fealty and generosity.
SEC. 2. Policy. The government of the Kingdom of Denmark has rudely refused to acknowledge the United States’ right to take control of the semi-autonomous territory of Greenland. The Danish Foreign Minister Lars Lokke Rasmussen has released a video in which he accused the United States of using what he falsely claimed was a “rude tone” in public comments about Denmark’s claim to Greenland. Therefore, it shall henceforth from the issuance of this Executive Order, No. 14253, to take such actions as I deem necessary to secure America’s rightful sovereignty over a landmass that abuts both a shipping route that a routine cycle of warmer weather is opening and to a hostile northern neighbor that also refuses to bend its knee to my will.
SEC. 3. Actions. Therefore, the import of all goods and services manufactured in Denmark or by the Danish government or by private entities chartered or registered in Denmark is hereby declared illegal. Any attempts to smuggle illicit Danish merchandise into the United States or its territories shall be punishable by law. This includes the following and other items that I or officials designated by me deem appropriate.
• LEGOS. Not only are these children’s toys manufactured by a Danish company, the Intelligence Committee has assessed with no confidence that their and their manufacturers’ name is an acronym for Liberal, Equality, Gender Optional, a clear violation of my efforts to eliminate Diversity, Equity and Inclusion.
Because many American boys have become addicted to LEGOS while their sisters play with patriotic American Girls dolls, LEGOS will be replaced by American Bricks, which may be familiar to American males above the age of 50. Because the manufacture of American Bricks was halted some 45 years ago, my advisor Elon Musk has patriotically agreed to invest no more than $500 million to form a new company to revive the manufacture of American Bricks in a state such as Texas or Florida that supports me and my policies.
Until such time as American Bricks reach the consumer market, Lincoln Logs, which bear the name of a Republican American President and are still made in the United States by a Florida company, although like many other GREAT AMERICAN COMPANIES, it has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. The manufacturing plant, however, may be required to relocate from the state of Maine, whose Democrat governor has treated me rudely.
The confections popularly known as “Danish Pastries” henceforth will be called, without exception, American Pastries.
All medications patented or manufactured by or for the Danish company Novo Nordisk are hereby prohibited. This includes but is not limited to Wegovy, Ozempic and Saxenda, which I have demonstrated conclusively are not necessary to ensure good health regardless of an individual’s diet, as well as a wide array of medications to treat diabetes and hormone replacement drugs that also violate my DEI policies. For a complete list, go to: https://www.novonordisk.com/our-products/our-medicines.html
All imports or exports shipped through ports in the United States or its territories by the Danish company Maersk are hereby banned. To ensure maximum compliance with this Executive Order and consistent with the order issued by the Continental Congress on March 23, 1776, the Congress is hereby authorized to issue Letters of Marque to authorize private vessels to be armed and to seize Maersk vessels and confiscate their cargoes. Such privateers must comply with the code of conduct drafted by the Continental Congress and to post a monetary bond to ensure compliance with such code. I have determined that such bonds should have a common monetary value so as not to unjustly penalize Jeff Bezos and other owners the value of whose yachts exceed the gross national product of many nations.
Carlsberg beer, which the Secretary of Defense and an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court have warranted can readily be replaced by American products made with American-grown hops harvested by native-born American citizens that, when consumed in similar quantities, yield equal or better results.
Ecco shoes, which are manufactured in someplace called Jutland and are easily replaced by footwear manufactured in Asia.
Georg Jensen silverware and watches. Individuals such as Director of National Intelligence Noem who already possess such timepieces are hereby permitted to retain them and to have them serviced, so long as such services are rendered in America by natural-born American citizens.
• Royal Copenhagen porcelain. The United States rebelled against royalty almost 250 years ago, and although the American people recently embraced it once more, there is no need for monarchical pottery that is easily replaced by copies made in friendlier nations such as the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.
SEC. 4: General Provisions:
(a) Nothing in this order may be construed in such a manner as to impair or obstruct my ability to unilaterally alter, amend or ignore it.
(b) This order shall be implemented consistent with my desires, instructions and whims and subject to any and all federal spending I or Mr. Musk deem appropriate.
