Revisionist History

“Who controls the past controls the future: who controls the present controls the past.” — George Orwell

The Office of the President of the United States

Memorandum to:

Anthea M. Hartig, PhD

Elizabeth MacMillan Director Smithsonian National Museum of American History

cc: Lonnie G. Bunch III, Secretary of the Smithsonian Institution

Re: A fair and balanced account of how America became great and how it declined until the three elections of Donald J. Trump

Introduction:

The Museum persists in presenting a negative view of the history of OUR GREAT NATION, for example by misrepresenting the colonists’ and their descendants’ courageous efforts to acquire land necessary for farming and industry from what Massachusetts Bay Colony Governor William Bradford, one of the white settlers AND NOT WOKE like that crime-ridden sewer’s current so-called politicians, called “the ravages of the savages”.

Therefore, I President Donald J. Trump, direct the Museum to draft a plan to present a new and balanced account of American history, for example:

• An account of the first colonial settlements and our nation’s westward expansion must include the legitimate need for arable land to feed a growing population and provide goods such as cotton and tobacco for valuable exports, control of rivers and roads to promote profitable business and later secure telegraph and other lines of communication to facilitate commerce.

• The prevailing history of the Puritan colonists’ campaign to root out and punish the witches they found in their midst paints young girls such as Mary Walcott who exposed witches in their midst were performing a public service — THE LIKES OF WITCH WE NEED TODAY. MAGA! The fact that few witches were discovered after those the girls uncovered were punished proved the merit of their efforts.

• Next, the Museum’s and other Smithsonian presentations ignore the expenses in blood and money that King George III and his royal predecessors expended to support and defend their American colonies, for example in the French and Indian War. In so doing, the Museum now ignores the many merits of monarchical rule. The prevailing account of the Boston Tea Party, for example, ignores the fact that the King and a duly subservient Parliament had every right to impose taxes on the colonists to help defray the costs of that war.

• In addition to celebrating that and other illegal acts, the Museum and the Smithsonian have celebrated the American Revolution while ignoring the crimes and chaos created by rabble in arms who sought to overthrow a King whose right to rule LIKE MINE was divine. More attention also should be paid to the fate of those patriotic Loyalists whose defense of their sacred honor cost them their lives and fortunes.

• A new exhibit must be created to celebrate the failed American effort to invade Canada in 1812, which has left ME with unfinished business. That effort must also include the unfinished business of the American invasion of Mexico, which has forced ME to take action to protect a southern border that is not as far south as it should be. An ancillary exhibit should celebrate the American pursuit of the CRIMINAL ALIEN Pancho Villa in 1916, which established the right of the U.S. to deploy military forces in Mexico.

• In addition to renaming many military bases and returning some monuments to Confederate heroes, the Museum’s and other versions of the War of Northern Aggression must be revised to include how the defeat of the Southern states (incidentally crucial to my rule) raised the costs of cotton, tobacco, whiskey and other staples by increasing labor costs.

• Next, the prevailing accounts of the rise of American industrial might have dwelt too much on labor practices, public health and housing conditions. These exhibits must now include portraits of the wealthy merchants and bankers who MADE AMERICA GREAT by building railroads, overseeing financial institutions to support those efforts and above all giving birth to a GILDED AGE of American architecture that I am resurrecting after 130 years of neglect.

• You may continue to celebrate the contributions of scientists and other immigrants from Germany and other civilized nations. But fair and balanced accounts of immigration must also include the crime, rodent infestations, pollution, housing and public health crises, factory fires, union uprisings and other costs of allowing uneducated, unskilled and often criminal immigrants to enter America without proper scrutiny. (I have asked the National Park Service to add a blindfold to the Statue of Liberty, and ICE is exploring the cost of repurposing Ellis Island as a detention center.)

• Too often, Museum and other accounts of the introduction of an income tax (WHICH I AM UNWINDING FOR THOSE WHO ARE MAGA), the so-called New Deal and America’s reluctant entry into two world wars ignore the costs of both and of how expanding the federal government and intervening in foreign wars helped undermine the greatness that was built with the steel, copper and coal of my Gilded Age forebears.

• You are directed to provide a more balanced account of the great Senator Joseph McCarthy’s efforts to expose Woke Communist sympathizers. If he had been allowed to finish his work, I would have less to do today and more time to help make my cryptocurrency the foundation of another Gilded Age. Ignoring slanderous charges that at long last I have no decency, I have asked my lackeys in Congress to draft legislation to rename the Rayburn House Office Building the McCarthy House Office Building.

• Finally, I have asked the architects designing my big, beautiful White House ballroom to draft plans for a new Donald J. Trump Wing of the Museum to document my heroic efforts to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN, regardless of whether that might take as long as it took a woke New Dealer to bring America to the Eve of Destruction.

Signed,

President Donald J. Trump

(Full disclosure: I have a little kin in this game. Mary Walcott was the sister of one of my ancestors, and a more distant relation, Charles Doolittle Walcott, was the 4th Secretary of the Smithsonian Institution.)