Not the Last Goodbye

Sometimes the only alternative to madness is an attempt at humor. So, with apologies to Harold Ramis, Douglas Kenney and Chris Miller, and to those who never saw or cannot remember Animal House:

EXECUTIVE OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT

ANNOUNCEMENT OF NEW NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL PERSONNEL APPOINTMENTS

In light of new and independent information and intelligence provided to me by persons whose loyalty to me is without question, and according to my obligation as PRESIDENT FOR LIFE OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! to protect and defend me from all threats foreign and domestic, including the danger that our German foes may bomb Pearl Harbor in response to my imposition of new tariffs. I have decided that my National Security Council staff requires extensive purification.

Therefore, I as Alpha announce the following Omega appointments.

Director: Vernon Wormer

Deputy Director: Carmine De Pesto

Director for Western European Affairs: Douglas C. Neidermeyer

Director for Military Affairs: Gregory Marmalard

Spokeswoman: Mandy Pepperidge

Director for Littoral Affairs: Barbara Jensen

Director for African Affairs: Dewayne Jessi

In light of these and other developments (Attn: Howard Lutnick, Alex Wong and others) I also am pleased to announce the following official song for my administration: